My pregnancy

Before I start typing my NICU journal entries, and adding my facebook statuses (I want to finally read what I was feeling at those moments) I thought I'd write about my pregnancy with Karson. This pregnancy was an incredibly welcomed miracle. In April of 2009 I went to the ER with dull cramping. I learned I was pregnant. WAS. My baby was stuck in my right tube and they had to remove him/her. After an emergency surgery, I learned that my tube was ruptured and they had to remove it, along with my sweet unborn child. I also had cysts on my left ovary that had to be taken care of. I was devistated at this loss. The surgery, the pain, nothing mattered except that I lost our second child. I was only about 6 weeks, so his gender was not known, but I feel like he was a boy. I named him Cameron Hayden. I wanted nothing to do with babies after this loss, I just would loose it. In the middle of a store, when trying to be happy for someone else... it was an incredible ammount of pain. Well, in January of 2010 we were more than excited to announce our rainbow baby was in the utero! I still remember the tears of joy over our little miracle. I was sicker than with Ella, so I just kept thinking he must be healthy. I just knew it was a boy. I worked hard to sew him diapers, even watched Nathan's niece for a few weeks since her parents couldn't. I was overly tired, but so thrilled. Until July. July my bloodpressure started creeping up. I didn't have gestational diabetes, so I thought I was ok. Soon enough I was on partial bedrest. Well, with a two year old in tow that's pretty impossible. So my bp kept creeping. Until finally... full bedrest. Ugh. I was so disapointed. And the headaches. Finally I was put on blood pressure meds. Then hospitalized for a night. Then two. And on August 31, I was kept for gaining 5lbs in a little over one day. I was 36 weeks along.

September 1, 2010

The day my world was turned upside down. And at the same time, pure joy... my son was born. Almost one year later I have yet to record all of my thoughts and feelings surrounding Karson's traumatic birth. I still see the words "blood gasses" or "gavage feedings" and I cringe. This past mother's day we drove past the road I took to the NICU daily, and with a perfectly healthy boy in the back seat I cried. I don't think if I would have prepared myself for a preemie it would have been easier, however, I want to share our journey so that maybe it will help someone else, maybe it will help me start to heal... and maybe some day Karson will want to read this.